How do iLove thee? Let me count the apps, gigabytes, and weather alerts. Let me hold in my hand the libraries of the world and the pictures of the largest ass pimple in Nebraska. Let me set individual ring tones and alarms and reminders to not forget my phone. And if we should become separated, wish me godspeed in accessing the OMG iCAN’T FIND IT feature. This is a love that cannot be denied.  And if you’re reading this on your phone right now? I rest my case.

Never before have avoidance and deceit been so user-friendly.  We text when we don’t want to talk, but don’t want to appear rude. We block numbers and hide friends and copy and paste since cancer sucks, you adorable little hedgehog baby, because I know how to be one of your very few friends who reads AND cares, motherfucker.

And while these tiny devices have enabled us to capture life’s every little nuanced precious moment of unbearable cuteness, bone-chilling inhumanity, funny AF foibles, memory-jogging images for hardware store shopping, smudgy foot-and-thumb pics, and testimony of our unwavering faith in the importance of #livinglifeperfectly, they have also turned most of us into abject white-liars.  #blessed is the new #bullshit

How are we to convince you that we are not are, too #livingourbestlife if we can’t show you #mylifeisbetterlookingthanyourlife. No ass pimples to see here, folks, because what you see is what you get. That’s not to say there aren’t ass pimples, simply that you don’t get to see them. Cuz I done cropped that shit right out before I posted it, yo. And I done coined a phrase for describing this deceptive white(lie)washing:

Share-cropping© (see also: Share-cropping™ and Share-cropping®)

verb

to alter, skew or reformat a digital image prior to sharing on social media with the intention of misleading, deflecting, or alluding to perfection that does not, in fact, exist.

Given her remarkable share-cropping skills, nobody suspected that Laura was actually living in a van by the river. #livingthelife #waterfront

to deliberately enhance a digital image to garner the most possible likes, with little or no regard to authenticity

Carly was convinced that the only way to make her Central Park selfie a multi-like profile pic was by share-cropping the pooping dog out of the photo.

 

I’m hoping to upload examples of such photofuckery as I come across them, but I’m a little concerned that they may not be perceived in the #bestlight.

 

 

Or am I?