Until we replaced it late last year, our old boiler clunked along, heating our home semi-sufficiently, not at all efficiently, and quite expensively. In its declining years, we became accustomed to living with sporadic hot water delivery from a system that ran on too much oil, sheer ugliness, and habit.

As a result simple things like showering became more complex, and we had to adapt and evolve and develop ways to make it work for us until we could invest in a new heating system.

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HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER

• Check thermostat on your way by and jack heat a minimum of ten degrees higher than room temp to assure boiler is firing.
• Upon hearing the proof-of-life OOMPH and ROAR (bonus points if pipes bang!) proceed to bathroom.
• Pull back shower curtain.
• Turn hot water faucet all the way on.
• Close curtain.
• Go check the mail, throw laundry into the dryer (not the washer—because water) or some other 3-4 -minute activity.
• Return to bathroom to check water temp.
• As soon as it starts advancing from warm to slightly warmer, get thee into the spray.
• Proceed with normal shower activities, only faster.
• Speed up some more.
• Realize that the not-so-hot water will cease, and will be followed by very not hot water, at any time after the initial 180 seconds of warm enough.
• Utilize critical decision making skills, at light speed, because in the time it takes you to weigh the pros and cons of shaving your legs, you may find yourself being baptized with liquid ice.
• If you haven’t done so by now, rinse remaining product from your hair by arching your back enough so you can rinse your hair without the rest of your body hitting the (now freezing) shower spray.
• Get out of the shower as quickly as possible without letting the curtain liner touch you because I refuse to believe I’m the only person freaked out by that.
• Towel off, and huddle into your big, fluffy robe before hypothermia sets in.
• Glance at self in mirror on way out to check lips are not blue.
• Turn thermostat down at least ten degrees because the house is never going to reach 80* before you run out of oil.
• Go forth and conquer this fine day, warrior princess, because tomorrow we’re shaving those legs.