I think it’s only fair to say

That things are not so great today

So now that I have made that clear

There’s something else you need to hear

Your nonsense, drivel, and BS

Will light me up, I must confess

So curb your smack, your jibes, your sass

Your inane posts, your lack of class

This day nobody gets a pass

They get these things put up their ass:

My foot, for starters, obviously

But I’ll remove it hastily

To make space for the next big thing

Your asshole will be welcoming

No doubt I’ll bring you to your knees

With a big-ass hive of killer bees

And then, for fun, why not throw in

A rough and splintered rolling pin

So go ahead, and try your luck

I warned you, with me do not fuck

I said it once, I’ll say it twice

Today I’m feeling not so nice

Be warned that this is just a warmup

Mind your ass, and shut the fuck up

Barbs and thistles,

Harps and whistles

A hairbrush made of pure boar bristles

A brillo pad? Oh sure, why not

What’s wrong, my friend? You seem distraught

I said it once, I said it twice

And still you don’t heed my advice

This time I’ll say it nice and slow

Shut up or up your ass it goes

Still lots of room for more butt aches

From bamboo rakes and rattlesnakes

And lego blocks and kitchen blenders

Cuckoo clocks and Mack truck fenders

Cattle prods and pig entrails

Lightning rods and rusty nails

I’m over it, and over you

If you love your ass, S. T. F. U.